A mental shift?

Growing up, I was the youngest child. I am the youngest in this house. I used to be having people around me: all my three siblings, my parents, and our cats. Life is full of people. But as time goes by, I can sense that everything does change. I am still the youngest, but all my siblings already built their own little family, each of them. So it’s just me and my parents, whereas we are all kinda busy and barely really speak to each other. I’m having my routine for going to Pwt, and my parents have their own schedule. We usually eat at home separately, but it’s just now we eat together at the dining table because it was Ramadhan, we do suhoor and iftar here. But besides that, I think we lack quality time. Maybe my parents think that I am already a grown-up that is independent, which is true, but actually, I also need my time with them, having conversations. Little talk is okay, as long as we always keep in touch, and care for each other. 

You know, the usual or typical youngest child be like? They often are found around, not too far from home, unlike the firstborns or middle children. I think we unconsciously save that role in our mind, that the last child is responsible for taking care of their parents. Well, simply because they’re the last ones to exist in their original home. You know what I’m saying?

And at first, I always have this dream to go far, merantau, they said. Because it’s something that I’ve never experienced before. What is it like to be in other people’s land? What is it like to grow more independent? What is it like to rely only on yourself? What is it like to grow up as an adult? But now, I think I’ve grown to be able to accept my ‘faith’, my ‘role’. Because if it was not me, then who else? All my siblings are already out of town, they do come back at times but not 24/7, right? And now I think having this role is also an honor and an opportunity for me to give the best that I can to my parents. In islam, it’s birrul walidain. Ladang pahala, for those who don’t waste that opportunity

I actually have no idea what my future would be like. I have no idea where will I live later, but hopefully not far away, so that I can check on my parents regularly. You know, because we used to see our parents being independent and like can do every single thing by themselves, we tend to think that it happens all the time. But in fact, it doesn’t. Our parents also have limitations as they are just normal human being, They can get sick, they age, and sometimes they have things they wanted to do but actually, their body is no more that capable, yup those things happen. And as I may not always be able to help to get things done physically, the bare minimum that I could do is to remind them. Remind them not to be too tired, and not force themselves to get tasks done in a such short amount of time. Remind them to take a rest when they need to, and remind them that it’s okay if things don’t go as they’ve planned. Simply just saying back pieces of advice they gave us when we were young when we were a child. I don’t know, maybe I write a little bit too much, but it’s what I feel right now.

You see, growing up as the last child makes me used to looking at people older than me because I can always learn or copy what they’re doing. I have no one that looks into me, I mean look at me as their role model or that older person to ask to. But as the situation changed, and I need to look after my parents, I think it was a challenge and yet an opportunity, as I’ve said before. How could the youngest child- who never actually takes care of other people- finally have the responsibility to do so? It’s indeed a character development stage over here, I guess. And what can we do for now is try our best and pray for the best as well, so that I could take good care of my parents, the way the took care of me when I was little up until now. With gentleness, a lot of communication, with such a caring, kind way. I wanted to be able to provide them anything, even when they didn’t ask me for that. I love my parents and my family. YaAllah, please protect them wherever and whenever they are

Written on 15/04/23, its the 24th day of Ramadhan 1444H